Fawning

When discussing trauma responses, most everyone I know has heard the terms, fight, flight and freeze. Fawning, on the other hand, leaves those same people asking questions. Until a few months ago, I was also asking questions. That's why I jumped at the recent opportunity to attend a webinar titled, "Fawn, Attachment and the 8 Developmental Stages." Being that the webinar was brief, at only 1 hour in length, it's quite obvious that I have only seen the tip of the fawning iceberg. Regardless, it was enough to make me want to touch on it here.

A quick search told me that psychotherapist Pete Walker coined the term"fawning" in his 2014 book, "Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving." I was rather surprised that I couldn't recall ever hearing the term in all that time, especially given the fact that I read, and have read, so much about trauma and trauma responses, especially during my years of TRE™ training.

So what exactly is the fawning trauma response? In a nutshell - pleasing; appeasing; disappearing into another. On the surface, to the outsider, it looks like kindness, but from the perspective of the individual, it feels like disappearing. Mind you, fawning is not a personality flaw. Rather, it is an intelligent, long-term conditioning response.The problem with fawning is not that it happened. It's that it keeps running long after the danger has passed.

Upon hearing this description, I understood it immediately. Turns out, it was my go to trauma response, which I innately knew, but I didn't have a label for it. I remember all too clearly that feeling of disappearing, as if my very soul was dying. I had reached a point where I didn't even know who I was anymore. I had spent so much time deferring to others, whether in wants, needs, opinions, and so forth, that I felt like a flower withering away during an extremely hot August drought. Every day, I find gratitude for my Reiki and TRE™ practices, which have aided my healing process immensely.

As I stated earlier, the knowledge I've recently acquired regarding fawning is simply the tip of the iceberg - or maybe even just a little ice cube chipped off the tip of iceberg - but awareness is a powerful thing, which is why I wanted to share this with my readers. Below, I have listed the 15 questions presented at the webinar for self-assessment. Five or more 'yes' or 'sometimes'? You may want to consider a deep dive into learning more about fawning.

1) Over-apologizing - even when you've done nothing wrong

2) Difficulty saying what you actually want or feel

3) Changing your preferences to match the person you're with

4) Chronic tiredness, pain, or tension with no clear cause

5) Putting our own needs aside so others feel comfortable

6) Holding back opinions to avoid upsetting someone

7) Feeling responsible for other people's moods

8) Struggling to know where you end and others begin

9) Difficulty saying no - even when you desperately want to

10) Fixing or rescuing others from their problems

11) Constantly reading the room, bracing for someone's reaction

12) Smiling or laughing while describing something painful

13) Never asking for what you need

14) Never showing anger, sadness, or hurt in front of others

15) Blaming yourself for how others treat you

Lastly, I'd like to remind you that I am in no way, shape, or form a licensed therapist. As strongly as I feel about the benefit of both Reiki and TRE™, I encourage you to speak to your therapist or doctor if you feel that fawning, or any trauma response, presents itself in you.

In Gratitude,

✨Tyna✨